For teens and families
Beliefs Have Shapes
A short story that teaches how a belief is formed, and what happens when one doesn’t fit. Includes questions, a quiz, and a graphic organizer.
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Every client walks in with beliefs they never chose.
Teens bring beliefs from friends, feeds, and groups. Parents bring the fear that their child is turning away.
Universal Attachment Theory offers one way to understand both. These books give you and your clients a shared language for it.
The seven secrets, and their opposites
Universal Attachment Theory widens the lens. We attach to people, and also to pets, places, objects, groups, ideas, and beliefs. The theory proposes that the same seven effects appear across all of these attachments.
When an attachment is broken by betrayal, or begins in opposition, the opposite effects appear.
The theory holds that no one is immune to Blind Attachment. It is easy to see in other people. It is harder to see in ourselves. That includes us as clinicians.
A note on evidence: Universal Attachment Theory is a framework drawn from forty-six years of clinical practice. Research on attachment beyond the infant and caregiver is still limited. The appendix of The Seven Secrets of Attachment gathers related studies for each secret. The framework has not yet been tested as a whole.
| When we attach | When we detach |
|---|---|
| 1. Proximity | Distance |
| 2. Protect | Damage |
| 3. Positive attribution | Negative attribution |
| 4. Positive feeling states | Negative feeling states |
| 5. Trust | Distrust |
| 6. Believe | Disbelieve |
| 7. Blind Attachment | Blind Detachment |
Steven’s story as a case
Steven is attached to Pop and detached from the family next door. Each column follows the seven secrets. A useful case to teach with, and an easy one for a teen to see.
1. Proximity“Steven sits on the floor beside Pop’s chair and watches over his shoulder.”
1. DistanceThe neighbor mother says hello. “He doesn’t say a word. He keeps on walking.”
2. ProtectTo protect his place in the family: “Better hide his diffshape.”
2. DamagePop, about the neighbors: “They should just take themselves out!”
3. Positive attribution“Twelve-year-old Steven looks up to his dad.”
3. Negative attributionThe girl next door is “up to no good. Sneaking out through the back gate.”
4. Positive feeling states“It feels good to be close to Pop. It feels safe.”
4. Negative feeling states“He feels scared of them.”
5. TrustPop is “the man he trusts.”
5. Distrust“You can’t trust the neighbors.”
6. BelieveWhat Pop says “is as good as truth. Even better.”
6. DisbelieveScott says Suzanne is nice. “Steven has no place to put it.”
7. Blind AttachmentHe “makes his beliefshapes just like Pop.”
7. Blind DetachmentHe has never met the family next door. He fears them anyway.
What changed?
A friend he trusted. Scott sends an infoshape that doesn’t fit: Suzanne is really nice.
Seeing for himself. Steven finds Suzanne feeding a mother cat and two kittens.
Doubt, the great slicer. The Blind Detachment breaks. Steven still loves Pop.
Quotations are from Beliefs Have Shapes, Third Edition. The two columns are the seven secrets and their opposites from The Seven Secrets of Attachment.
Ways to use the books
With teens
Give them words
Read Beliefs Have Shapes together. The shape words give a teen language for what is happening to them. Ask: Who are your beliefshapers? Who sends you infoshapes?
With families
Both look
Parent and teen each rate their attachments and detachments. The parent goes first. Name the grief when a child sees things differently. The relationship does not have to be lost.
With parents
The angry parent
Through this lens, their anger can be seen as Protect. Betrayal can flip Blind Attachment into Blind Detachment, toward a teacher, a book, or their own child. Help them notice the flip before it happens.
With groups
Four sessions
A short outline for a teen group is below. It moves from how beliefs form, to how they are held, to the beliefs that can hurt.
Tools from the books
The Seven Secrets of Attachment
Attachment Intensity Rating
List the client’s attachments and detachments. Rate each from 1 to 7.
1None
2Low
3Somewhat
4Neutral
5Moderate
6High
7Very high
The highest ones may point to Blind Attachments and Blind Detachments worth exploring.
This is a reflection tool for conversation, not a validated assessment. It has not been tested for reliability or validity, and it is not meant to diagnose.
The Seven Secrets of Attachment
Problems and positives
Pick one high attachment. List every problem it causes. Then list everything good it gives. Put the two lists together into one complete picture, and let it sit.
You’ve Got Issues
The Clarity Chart
Events that hurt. Issues, the thoughts that keep repeating, and the Feelings they bring. How the client Copes. The Goals they want. It works well with a belief that is causing harm.
The Seven Secrets of Attachment
Someone who isn’t attached
Help the client find a trusted person who does not share the Blind Attachment or Detachment. Keep that person’s feedback confidential.
A four-session teen group
- How beliefs are formed. Read Part I of Beliefs Have Shapes. The cake mold. Each member names their beliefshapers.
- How beliefs are held. The seven secrets. Members rate their own attachments and detachments from 1 to 7. Phones and friend groups count.
- When a belief doesn’t fit. Parts II to IV. Doubt is the great slicer. What it costs to become a diffshaper in your own family, and the grief that comes with it.
- Beliefs from friends, feeds, and strangers. Warning signs: closeness that comes too fast, requests for secrets, a group that gives you an enemy, a dare. Who will you tell?
When a client has already been targeted
Follow your mandated reporting duties. These resources can help you and the family:
- A stranger is threatening to share photos. Stay calm. Tell your child it is not their fault. The blackmailer is to blame. Don’t pay. Paying rarely stops it. Block the account, but don’t delete the messages. Report it to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s CyberTipline or call 1-800-843-5678. Take It Down helps remove images of anyone under 18.
- A group is pulling them toward hate. Life After Hate helps people leave hate groups, and helps their families.
- You need someone to talk to. See a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Licensed Counselor, or a Licensed Psychologist.
The books, for counselors
The theory
The Seven Secrets of Attachment
Universal Attachment Theory: the seven secrets, detachment, betrayal and forgiveness, and Out of the Fog. With research notes in the appendix.
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For your practice
You've Got Issues
The Clarity Chart, used with clients for decades. Written mainly for professionals.
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