For you and your child to read together
Beliefs Have Shapes
A short story about Steven, Pop, and the girl next door. Includes an afterword for adults, questions for each part, and a quiz for young readers.
Buy on AmazonUsing the books · For parents
How will you protect your child when they meet a dangerous belief and you’re not there?
Your child will not always be next to you. As they grow, they move toward friends. Toward phones. Toward groups.
One day someone will hand them a belief. You can’t stand beside them. But one habit can go with them.
The habit that goes with them
Where did this come from?
Who gains if I believe it?
That is what Beliefs Have Shapes teaches. Every belief was given to us by someone. We are allowed to look at it.
A child who has learned to look at a belief can stop and think before it takes hold.
Three beliefs you will never see coming
Each one works the same way. It builds an attachment first. Then it asks your child to trust and believe.
A stranger online
Close, fast
Someone who seems like a friend. They message all the time. They say kind things. It feels close, fast. Then they ask for a photo. Then come the threats.
The closeness was built on purpose, so your child would trust and believe.
A group that hates
Belonging, and an enemy
It offers belonging. It feels good to be inside. Then it gives your child an enemy. Distance. Distrust. Fear of people they have never met.
That is how a beliefshape is built. Just like Pop’s, only darker.
A friend with a dare
Everyone else is doing it
Say no and you might lose the group. Belonging is the pressure.
A teen who can ask where an idea came from can say no to the idea.
What this book is, and isn’t
It is not
A book against your family
It does not ask children to reject their families, or to make fun of them. Steven never stops loving his father. Some readers keep a belief after looking at it. Others change it.
It is
A book about fear
Steven was taught to fear the family next door. He had never met them. What changed him was a friend he trusted, and seeing for himself.
It asks everyone
The questions go both ways
Question what you are attached to. Question what you are against. That goes for parents and children alike.
Steven’s story, in two columns
In The Seven Secrets of Attachment I describe seven things that happen when we attach. When we detach, the opposite happens. Steven shows both. He is attached to Pop. He is detached from the family next door.
1. Proximity“Steven sits on the floor beside Pop’s chair and watches over his shoulder.”
1. DistanceThe neighbor mother says hello. “He doesn’t say a word. He keeps on walking.”
2. ProtectTo protect his place in the family: “Better hide his diffshape.”
2. DamagePop, about the neighbors: “They should just take themselves out!”
3. Positive attribution“Twelve-year-old Steven looks up to his dad.”
3. Negative attributionThe girl next door is “up to no good. Sneaking out through the back gate.”
4. Positive feeling states“It feels good to be close to Pop. It feels safe.”
4. Negative feeling states“He feels scared of them.”
5. TrustPop is “the man he trusts.”
5. Distrust“You can’t trust the neighbors.”
6. BelieveWhat Pop says “is as good as truth. Even better.”
6. DisbelieveScott says Suzanne is nice. “Steven has no place to put it.”
7. Blind AttachmentHe “makes his beliefshapes just like Pop.”
7. Blind DetachmentHe has never met the family next door. He fears them anyway.
What changed?
A friend he trusted. Scott sends an infoshape that doesn’t fit: Suzanne is really nice.
Seeing for himself. Steven finds Suzanne feeding a mother cat and two kittens.
Doubt, the great slicer. The Blind Detachment breaks. Steven still loves Pop.
Quotations are from Beliefs Have Shapes, Third Edition. The two columns are the seven secrets and their opposites from The Seven Secrets of Attachment.
Why it can feel so frightening
If your teen questions a belief you hold dear, you may feel angry. That is not a flaw. It is attachment at work.
- Protect. We protect what we are attached to. Your child. And your beliefs.
- Believe. We believe the people we are attached to. Our leaders. Our group. Our family.
- Betrayal. When a child sees things differently, it can feel like betrayal. Betrayal can flip Blind Attachment into Blind Detachment, fast. Toward a teacher. Toward a book. Even toward your own child.
Notice the flip before it happens. Your child is not leaving you. They are growing up.
When a child stops seeing the world exactly as you do, something is lost. It is all right to grieve it. The relationship does not have to be lost too.
Try this at home
- Read the book together. The story has five short parts. Read one part a night.
- Use the questions. Questions for each part are in the back of the book. There are no wrong answers.
- Each of you make two lists. What you are attached to: people, groups, places, ideas, your phone. And what you are against.
- Rate each one from 1 to 7. This is a way to reflect, not a test.
1None2Low3Somewhat4Neutral5Moderate6High7Very high
- Each pick one that rates high. Ask: Where did this come from? What does it give me? What does it cost me?
- Go first, and listen. When a parent looks at their own beliefs, a child learns it is safe. The goal is not to win. It is to look.
Say this now, before anything happens
“You will never be in trouble for telling me.”
Shame keeps children silent. If something has already happened:
- A stranger is threatening to share photos. Stay calm. Tell your child it is not their fault. The blackmailer is to blame. Don’t pay. Paying rarely stops it. Block the account, but don’t delete the messages. Report it to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s CyberTipline or call 1-800-843-5678. Take It Down helps remove images of anyone under 18.
- A group is pulling them toward hate. Life After Hate helps people leave hate groups, and helps their families.
- You need someone to talk to. See a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Licensed Counselor, or a Licensed Psychologist.
The books, for parents
For you
The Seven Secrets of Attachment
Why we hold on to beliefs, people, and groups, even when they hurt us. It may help you understand your own fear when your child questions something you hold dear.
It includes hard examples, such as cults and abuse. Read it first before sharing it with a teen.
Buy on Amazon